James Sexton, NYC divorce attorney with 20+ years handling thousands of divorce cases, reveals patterns in marriage failure. While infidelity and financial issues are surface causes, the real reason is long-term accumulated disconnection between spouses. All couples have prenups (legal default or customized), divorce costs vary wildly. The soulmate myth harms real relationships, parental conflict damages children more than divorce itself. Happy marriages come not from finding perfect partners but from accepting flaws, maintaining respect, and growing together.
1. James Sexton – On the Frontlines of Divorce Court
James Sexton is a New York divorce attorney with over 20 years’ experience handling thousands of divorce cases. He’s a bestselling author and podcast host who candidly shares the realities of marriage and divorce with the public.
- Experience: 20+ years divorce specialization, NY attorney
- Book: “If You’re in My Office, It’s Already Too Late”
- Caseload: Thousands of divorce and custody disputes handled
- Approach: Unemotional, analytical assessment of facts and patterns
“Most people don’t know the moment their marriage ends. It’s not one big fight—it’s hundreds of small disconnections piling up.”
2. Most Common Divorce Reasons – Accumulated Disconnection
Many cite infidelity or financial issues, but Sexton says these are symptoms. The real cause is long-term emotional and psychological disconnection.
Stages of Disconnection
- Stage 1: Decreased interest – “How was your day?” becomes perfunctory
- Stage 2: Emotional distance – Stop sharing joys and sorrows
- Stage 3: Physical intimacy declines – Infrequent sex, no touch
- Stage 4: Parallel lives – Same house, separate lives
- Stage 5: Accumulated anger – Hypersensitive, cynical attitudes
Surface Triggers
After sufficient disconnection accumulates, these “triggers” appear:
- Infidelity: Attempt to fill emotional void
- Financial issues: Money-related trust breakdown
- Parenting conflicts: Child-rearing disagreements
- Addiction: Alcohol, gambling, gaming
University of Washington psychologist John Gottman studied 3,000+ couples over 40 years, achieving 94% accuracy in predicting divorce using “Four Horsemen”: (1) Criticism, (2) Contempt, (3) Defensiveness, (4) Stonewalling. Contempt (looking down on partner) is the strongest divorce predictor.
3. Prenuptial Agreement Truth
Sexton says everyone who marries already has a prenup—either the state’s default or a customized one.
Two Types of Prenups
- Default legal prenup: State law automatically applied without custom agreement
- Customized prenup: Couple negotiates and agrees on terms
Why Prenups Are Needed
- Asset protection: Clearly distinguish pre-marital assets
- Debt isolation: Prevent spouse’s existing debt becoming joint responsibility
- Family business protection: Prevent divorce from splitting family business
- Predictability: Pre-set property division standards to minimize disputes
Extreme Prenup Clauses
- Weight clause: Alimony reduced if weight exceeds limit (may be invalidated)
- Sex quota: Minimum weekly sex frequency specified (unenforceable)
- Infidelity penalty: Large financial penalty if cheating detected
- In-law visit limits: Annual visit frequency caps
4. Infidelity‘s Role – Cause or Symptom?
Sexton’s experience shows infidelity relates to 75-80% of divorces, but whether it’s cause or effect is complex.
Why Infidelity Happens
- Emotional neglect: When spouse doesn’t see, hear, or acknowledge you
- Sexual dissatisfaction: Frequency, quality, communication gaps
- Low self-esteem: Filling void with external attention
- Life transitions: Midlife crisis, career changes, role shifts
- Revenge: Retaliation for spouse’s infidelity
Gender Differences
- Men: Physical needs, sexual variety, opportunistic tendencies
- Women: Emotional connection, desire to be understood, long-term relationship formation
Recent research shows this gap is narrowing with women’s economic independence and social changes.
Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 2017 study reports US infidelity rates during marriage: men 20-25%, women 10-15%. Including “emotional affairs” increases to men 35%, women 25%. Archives of Sexual Behavior 2018 study shows the gender gap nearly disappeared among millennials.
5. Divorce Costs Reality
Cost Determinants
- Dispute level: Amicable divorce vs court battle
- Asset size: More assets = more complexity
- Children: Custody and visitation disputes
- Hidden assets: Investigation costs surge if assets concealed
- Emotional intensity: Revenge increases costs
Cost Range
- Amicable divorce (no kids, few assets): $1,000-5,000
- Typical divorce: $15,000-30,000
- Complex divorce (custody, business valuation): $50,000-150,000
- High-net-worth divorce: $500,000-millions
Cost Reduction Methods
- Mediation: Neutral third party facilitates agreement (cheaper than lawyers)
- Collaborative divorce: Both sides negotiate outside court
- Online divorce services: DIY platforms for simple cases
- Emotional control: Drop revenge, take practical approach
6. Conditions for Happy Marriage
Respect
More important than love is respect:
- Listen to partner’s opinions and seriously consider them
- Don’t disparage spouse publicly
- Value partner’s time, effort, emotions
- Acknowledge differences without forcing
Communication
- Regular conversations: 1+ weekly important discussions (finances, relationship, future plans)
- Emotion expression: “I feel X when Y happens” (share feelings vs blame)
- Active listening: Put phone down, eye contact, summarize to confirm
Maintain Intimacy
- Dates: Regular meetings as lovers, not just parents (2+ times monthly recommended)
- Physical touch: Not just sex—hugs, kisses, hand-holding
- Sex life: Quality over quantity, communication, understand each other’s needs
Value Exchange
“Happy marriage is where both provide value to each other and feel appreciated. Together by choice because it’s valuable, not from fear.”
7. Soulmate Myth Dangers
Sexton argues the “soulmate” concept is one of the most harmful myths for modern marriage.
Why This Myth Is Harmful
① Unrealistic Expectations
- No perfect person exists
- All conflicts interpreted as “wrong person” evidence
- Small dissatisfactions over-interpreted as “not soulmate” signals
② Effort Avoidance
- “Real soulmates fit effortlessly” illusion
- Don’t improve relationship, just seek new person
- Give up instead of fixing problems
③ Constant Dissatisfaction
- “Someone better exists” thinking devalues current relationship
- Take partner’s strengths for granted, highlight flaws
- Even when happy, doubt “Is this the best?”
Realistic Love Definition
- Love is choice: Not emotion but daily decision to choose partner
- Love is growth: Not perfect match but growing together
- Love is acceptance: Accept flaws as-is, not trying to fix them
- Love is action: Show through behavior, not just words
“Soulmates aren’t found—they’re made. Through time, effort, commitment, and choice.”
University of Toronto 2014 study found people with “soulmate beliefs” give up faster when conflicts arise and have lower long-term relationship satisfaction. Conversely, those believing “relationships are cultivated (Growth Mindset)” overcome difficulties and maintain happier relationships.
8. Divorce Impact on Children
Research is clear: ongoing parental conflict harms children more than divorce itself.
Harmful Parental Behaviors
- Badmouthing ex: Speaking badly about other parent in front of children
- Using children as messengers: “Tell mom/dad X”
- Information gathering: Spying on ex through children
- Taking sides: Pressuring children to choose one parent
- Guilt induction: “If you love dad/mom, I’m hurt”
Good Divorce for Children
- Consistent rules: Similar rules/schedules at both homes
- Information sharing: Communicate about school, health, activities
- Respect: Maintain respectful attitude toward ex in front of children
- Flexibility: Cooperate in special situations
Journal of Marriage and Family 2019 meta-analysis confirmed “maintaining high-conflict marriage is more harmful to children than divorce.” However, in “low-conflict marriages,” divorce negatively affects children. The key is conflict level and parental cooperation. UCLA long-term study showed children from effectively co-parenting divorced families had no significant psychological health differences from happy married families’ children.
Practical Q&A
5 Key Advice Points
- Don’t neglect disconnection: Discuss and resolve even small problems immediately
- Prioritize respect: Love may change but respect is a choice
- Drop soulmate fantasy: Find someone to grow with, not a perfect person
- Maintain financial transparency: Money issues are trust foundation
- Children first: Whether divorcing or not, provide best environment for children
Conclusion
James Sexton‘s 20-year career shows marriage‘s dark side but also provides valuable lessons. Most divorces aren’t sudden—they’re accumulated results of hundreds of small disconnections.
Infidelity, financial issues, parenting conflicts are symptoms only. The real problem is couples drifting apart, stopping communication, losing respect. The soulmate myth worsens this—seeking perfection ruins real relationships.
Happy marriages come not from finding perfect partners but from two imperfect people daily choosing each other, maintaining respect, and growing together. Marriage isn’t happiness destination but a journey.
Sexton’s message isn’t cynicism but reality. And confronting reality enables better choices.